Self-help books are full of advice on “how to live with a narcissist” – how to recognize one in a relationship, protect yourself, or avoid one altogether. But we rarely stop to consider what life feels like from the narcissist’s perspective. Narcissism, as a personality trait, is far more than simple vanity – it is a deeply rooted pattern of emotional and social functioning. So where does it come from?
Living with a narcissist – and with narcissism
Prof. Marcin Zajenkowski from the Faculty of Psychology at the University of Warsaw studies how parents’ inflated views of their children’s intelligence may contribute to narcissism. His research is the first to identify three dimensions of narcissism in children: agentic, antagonistic, and neurotic. Earlier studies focused mainly on adults.
“The core of narcissism is excessive entitlement – that is, seeing oneself as uniquely privileged and deserving more than others. This applies to both adults and children. At the same time, other people are often seen as inferior,” explains Prof. Zajenkowski.
The narcissism questionnaire: How do you measure something so elusive?
How do researchers measure narcissism in children? Around the age of eight, children begin comparing themselves to others and shaping their sense of self through those comparisons. That is also the stage when narcissistic traits can first be meaningfully assessed.
To do this, researchers developed a questionnaire that measures three dimensions of narcissism. It examines the grandiose dimension – the belief that one is exceptional; the antagonistic dimension – the sense of being superior to others; and the neurotic dimension, in which a person feels exceptional and entitled to more but cannot express those feelings openly, often leading to frustration.
Parental expectations and self-image
According to Prof. Zajenkowski, environmental influences play a key role in the development of narcissism.
“Narcissism develops when parents see their children in an exaggerated way: ‘My child is exceptional, and because of that, they deserve more than others.’ Parents often see the child as especially intelligent or gifted, even when that does not reflect who the child really is,” he explains.
Parents often project certain hopes and expectations onto their children, while the child tries to live up to that idealized image. But this is not always possible. When there is a gap between how parents see their child and who the child actually is, the child may struggle to recognize their own limitations.
“If parents only say, ‘You’re special, intelligent, outstanding,’ the child may never learn to see their weaknesses. The parent creates a certain image of the child, and the child has little chance to develop a realistic sense of self. This is likely how narcissism develops – as a mask or as an attempt to meet expectations,” adds the researcher.
Narcissism likes to be smart: On the desire for exceptionality
Narcissism does not develop solely because parents generally overestimate their child. Researchers at the University of Warsaw wanted to take a closer look at one specific factor: beliefs about children’s intelligence. They assume that an unrealistically positive view of a child’s intelligence may contribute to the development of narcissistic traits. In this context, what role does the concept of intelligence play in this context?
“For individuals with high levels of narcissism, this concept is particularly important. They want to view themselves as intelligent, even though there is no real link between narcissism and actual intelligence. We study this in children by asking questions such as, ‘How smart do you think you are?’ It turns out that children with stronger narcissistic traits see themselves as smarter than they really are – even as early as age eight,” says Prof. Zajenkowski.
At the same time, narcissism and intelligence are not directly connected. Studies involving adults show that people with stronger narcissistic traits are not necessarily more intelligent than others. Still, intelligence holds special value for narcissistic individuals because it is strongly associated with social status and success.
For individuals with high levels of grandiose, or agentic, narcissism – marked by inflated self-esteem and a need for dominance – the belief in exceptional intelligence becomes especially important, helping them preserve a positive image of themselves.
Mindful parenting instead of unrealistic expectations
Although narcissism is often associated with arrogance and an inflated sense of self-worth, its origins are far more complex. When parents excessively idealize a child – especially by emphasizing intelligence and uniqueness – they may unintentionally encourage an unrealistic sense of self.
This does not mean that praise itself is harmful. What matters is that praise reflects reality rather than parental expectations or projections. Recognizing how these beliefs shape a child’s developing personality is an important step toward raising children with a healthy, grounded sense of self-worth.
The text was originally published in Polish on the Serwis Naukowy UW website on April 15, 2025.
